Red Eyes and Sniffles

It's been a long Sunday.

Making friends has never come very easily for me. My introverted nature (yes, I am actually quite introverted, even though many a jaw has dropped in disbelief when I make this fact known) makes it difficult for me to start conversations with random strangers or to always want to be with people in general. I like my 'me time' and sometimes I like to just sit in silence with a person - some people find this awkward and uncomfortable so I may thwart off potential friends, sometimes without even realizing it.

Making friends in a foreign country with not only a personality barrier, but also cultural and language barriers to hack my way through, has been even more difficult. It may not seem like it on the outside to those around me, to those with whom I spend every day teaching, chatting, and planning. But I sometimes still feel somewhat alone, excluded, alienated . . . foreign.

So, when one of the few people I've met here who I thought I could call a friend told me today me he didn't want to be friends, that he never would have even spent any time with me if he thought I wouldn't be his girlfriend, and accused me of multiple things that were never true, I felt like someone had taken a knife, stabbed me in the heart, and then stabbed me again in the back. It's amazing how hard it can be to lose a friend when you only have a couple. And I felt horrible, like it was my fault that this had happened. I will admit, I can be slightly (possibly more than slightly) oblivious to things like this, but I've never had someone so vehemently accuse me and swear off even speaking to me. I didn't know what I did wrong and still don't understand. I only know that red eyes and kleenex were my companions this morning - my parents can attest to that fact. And those of you who know me well know that it takes a lot to make me cry over anything. Desperate times call for desperate measures I guess - this was one of those times.

I sometimes wonder if life would be easier if I kept to myself, minded my own business, and didn't even attempt to make relationships with anyone. Then I wouldn't have to worry about problems like this. I would only need to be accountable to me and to work out things with me. But then I realize how boring life would be. I may be introverted but I'm not a hermit. I crave human companionship too - just not as much as some people. Moving on is something I'm still in the process of learning how to do. I look at this as an experience to help teach me this life skill, and maybe as an experience to pull myself a little closer to the Best Friend I ever have or ever will have. Jesus's got my back.